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Well slap me silly with a Danish existentialist’s willy! Kierkegaard also said that “To stand on one leg and prove God’s existence is a very different thing from going on one’s knees and thanking Him.” Well. Quite.
You know what I’m lacking in life? Orientation. I’ve really got to have a think on what the right orientation for me is. Perpendicular? Adjacent? Parallel? Intersecting? Overlapping? Cuddling? Fondling? There are just so many options, if only I could understand life forwards and live it backwards, it would be so much easier. I’d even settle for a longways understanding, a sideways living and a lopsided orientation. I might not know my arse from my elbow but at least it’d be an orientation. And that’s the important thing. Being oriented.
I thought I’d start by looking up orientation in the dictionary. It seems that an orientation is the position or attitude of something relative to something else. Like a plane to a runway, or a person to the world around them. So maybe my orientation should correspond in some way to my surroundings? I should have some sort of attuned alignment with reality.
Bollocks to that! My surroundings are generally walls, roads, windows, cars and stupid, smelly people. Yawny yawny yawn yawn. I’m sure it wouldn’t be a problem if I was oriented not in relation to my actual surroundings, the stupid reality of the world around me, but to something else instead. Something better, like the television of Glen A. Larson. Or the songs of Barry Manilow. Or both!
Every day I could pity a fool, wear yellow feathers in my hair, grow a moustache and conduct private investigations from a 200 acre beachfront estate in Hawaii, write some songs that make young girls cry, grow a perm and defend the vulnerable on behalf of a foundation-funded public justice organisation from behind the wheel of an artificially intelligent Pontiac Firebird Trans Am, rhyme “uphill climbing” with “nothing is rhyming”, and generally just love it when a plan comes together.
So that’s that then. I’m oriented. I feel like my life has shape and maybe I’ll even die with a heart content…
Could it be magic?
It don’t know, but it’s got a great theme tune.