Listen / Read
Griselda? That’s such a bourgeois namedrop. But that’s my problem.
Anne Atkins is an eloquent idiot. Reading this cockswallop on live radio isn’t as easy as it sounds. Most difficult of all is pronouncing the word ‘simple’. But on the whole she seems to make such light work of it, she sounds so natural and her words flow with such ease that it might be easy to miss the fact that she’s giving credence not merely to the idea of the Giant Sky Fairy, but the idea of the Giant Fire Fairy (which, despite the theological stances of many denominations, is keenly held onto by many Christians) and the idea of projectile vomiting, head spinning and crucifix masturbation.
That’s exactly what she said, by the way. I’m not paraphrasing or being poetically licentious at all. She said that she suspected an ill family member had actually been possessed by the Devil, who she thinks is probably an actual person, and not an abstract concept at all, and that the best way to defeat the Devil is to laugh at him. So, presumably, her ill family member was cured by being laughed at?
Haaah Haaah! Haaah! You idiot! — Not, you, obviously, I mean the Devil, who is clearly inside you — Haaah! Haaah! Haaah! — Again, that’s not directed at you, you understand, but the Devil — Haaah! Haaah! Haaah! — We’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing with you, at the Devil. You can join in if you like but try not to laugh too manically or we’ll think it’s the Devil laughing and have to douse you in holy water — Haaah! Haaah! Haaah! Take that, the Devil, who is currently inside you making you ill! Haaah! Haaah! Haaah! — I bet you feel stupid now, don’t you Mr Devil? — Are you feeling any better yet?
Of course, I’m sure Atkins’ formerly ill family member was treated by medical doctors as opposed to witchdoctors. Perhaps she has received a visit from Sarah Palin’s visiting pastor to banish such dark forces, taking exception as she does to witches and the like unless they’re her own children dressed as witches, in which case they’re really just holy warriors in disguise, fighting the good fight against the Prince of Darkness. Armed with jeers and mockery.
Peter Mandelson’s return to British politics must have caused some confusion amongst Christians. They thought it was all quiet on the Satanic front, but has Private Eye got news for them!? Luckily, Private Eye is armed with jeers and mockery too. Add to that the fact that Ian Hislop is a regular churchgoer and it all starts to fall into place… That’s right, the soldiers of God’s army are filing in; Jesus is coming, and his first appearance will be as guest host of the Have I Got News For You Halloween special. He’ll be in costume, sandals and all, and he’ll be satirising the Hell out of the Secretary of State for Satanic Enterprise.
As Atkins says:“Since most of us find ultimate Good so credible as a Person, why not the opposing ultimate intelligence?”
Actually, that might be giving Mandy a little too much credit.